Next you'll tell me that man can fly!

Where's this blog been? Who knows? I'll just pretend like I just got back from the bathroom.

For someone who is so very geeky in so many ways, I have always fallen short in one department: gadgetry. While I can certainly appreciate a good gadget, I've never been an early adopter, in part because, etched deep within my bones, I have a cheapskateness that prevents me from going out and plunking down money (that I might not technically have anyway) on some new-fan-dangled whatsit. I didn't even have a mobile phone until 2004, and since then my phone has always just been, in the words of Farva from Super Troopers, "whatever's free." Furthermore, I've always regarded Smartphone-ism much like I view other religions/sects: you are free to practice, but I have no desire to join you or to discuss your beliefs.

But recently the eminently practical Mrs. Workerbot (rightly) decided that I should live in the actual 21st century, at least telephonically. To that end, she has kindly provided me, on the occasion of my recent birthday, with one of these. (She has, however, allowed me to keep the muttonchops and to continue using the exclamation "My stars and garters!")

She also got a G2 for herself, which means she no longer carries around a personal (dumb) phone and a work Blackberry -- which is a good thing. The choice of phone was motivated primarily by these facts:
1) She is a T-Mobile customer and wanted to remain one (we're on a "family plan" now! that means we're a family!),
2) I was an AT&T customer and just didn't care one way or the other, and
3) this seemed to be the best phone that T-Mob offers.
(Also, 4) We want the same phone so we can be super matchy-matchy. We're a family!)

I won't be inflicting a super-detailed Engadget-style review on anyone, nor trying to convert new followers. Let the iPhoners and the Droidites and so on continue to live and worship in peace, I say. With those disclaimers, here are my reactions.

I've had the G2 all of five days now, and so far, so good -- though I should say that my expectations are low, never having carried around a tiny computer ... in my pants. It does the things that I consider important and/or relevant to me, and the Google integration is a natural extension of my existing deep dependence on the Googs as my Cloud Brain. It does these important/relevant things well enough that I don't be angry and make smash.

Call quality: uh ... it has ... some? I hate talking on the phone so much that it doesn't really matter. Any time I'm on a call, all I can hear is a mosquito-whine voice in my head saying "You suck at talking on the phone! Why don't you see if you can sound even more awkward? Maybe stumble over a common figure of speech that normal people could enunciate clearly even while sleeping on their stomachs. Perrrrrfect." So ... sure, call quality is fine for that.

Speed of Internetting: seems good most of the time. Who knows? I never had one before. T-Mobile has some upgraded, acronym-denoted network thing that is apparently not everywhere. All I know is, when I see a little "H" on my status bar, it means "Here be faster network speeds." When I see a "G," it means "Go stand somewhere else if you want to send that e-mail." When I see "E," it means "Even unto Bethlehem will this data pass before it reaches you, but reach you it shall." I haven't seen any other letters, and I don't want to.

Heaviness: it is heavy. However, I do not anticipate musculo-skeletal impairment or disfigurement, nor exhaustion from use.

Typing: The Swype thing -- where you just move your fingers over all the letters in a word without lifting it -- is crazy fast. It successfully recognizes/guesses when you mean to type words like "perfection" and "backflips" and "hellspawn." Actually, I made that last one up. (Instant test results: it thinks I meant to type "Helen." Oh well. That's kind of cute.)

App selection: I haven't yet thought "You know what I want? An app that toasts bread," then been disappointed when there wasn't one, and shaken my fist in the air uttering curses and deprecations against all iPhone users, whiling away the idyllic hours in their toast-filled Elysium. Again, my expectations are low right now, and maybe one day I'll have a fist-shaking, where's-my-toast moment. But so far I am satisfied with the apps available to me.

Verdict: This 21st Century of yours isn't so bad. A man could get used to it. Thank you, Mrs. Workerbot. You Told Me So.

Now, regarding matters non-telephonic: tell me, have we subjugated the Hottentots, or do they yet pain the Kaiser's armies, as does a thorn in the paw of a great lion?